Do You Bully Others?

by Mandy-Jane Clarke, Australia

Stop Bullies Founder

If you bully others, we’re glad you’re here. If you’re not sure if what you’re doing is really bullying, then take our quick quiz that’ll help you decide. (But here’s a hint: If you are hurting or threatening others in some way and using your size, strength or popularity to do it … you’re probably bullying someone!)

Hey – let’s face it, hurting and making others feel bad is NEVER cool. Just admitting that you are doing things to harm others takes some guts. But that’s not enough. Trying to find out what you should do to change the way you’re acting … now that’s a step in the right direction! So check out these tips … they’ll help you to start treating others with the respect they deserve.

Think about what you’re doing … and how it affects others. If you think calling others names is really harmless, or if you think pushing, hitting or stealing from other kids is funny, you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be hurt yourself! Teasing, hitting, keeping others out of a group – all of these things harm someone. All of us have been hurt at one time or another and we all know how it feels – awful! So the next time you are about to bully someone:

  1. put yourself in their shoes
  2. think about how it must make them feel; and
  3. and just don’t do it.

Talk to an adult. Making other people feel badly should never make you feel good. If it does, or if you’re not really sure why you bully other kids, you need to talk to an adult about it. Even though you might think an adult won’t understand, or that you’ll get yourself into trouble, they can help! Whether it is your parent, a teacher or another trusted grown-up, you should tell an adult how you’ve been acting so that they help you deal with it. School counselors are also great people to talk to about how you feel and how to change the way you treat others.

 

The Serial Bully

by J Richard Knapp

Stop Bullies Founder and CEO

Many years ago, people believed bullying started in the childhood years, peaked during adolescence, tapered down through the teens, and disappeared by adulthood. It is obvious that this belief is just another myth of bullying.

Our research studies are now finding that bullying in adults is far more persistent than we originally believed, and even more frequent than behaviors such as sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace. Research tells us that 1 in 5 workers have been bullied by an adult in the workplace during the past twelve months. In this article, we are going to examine one type of workplace bully that is becoming more prevalent in the workplace. This bully hides within the structure of an organization, most likely a high level supervisor, and is very difficult to see due to their high intelligence and covert attacks. They are the ‘serial bullies‘ of the working world.

Typically, serial bullies target one individual at a time. Their victims may be employees hired by a former supervisor or even an individual they hired. There are many examples of serial bullies who have hired an individual considered to be one of the ‘best and brightest’ in order to take them down at a later date. The supervising bully tends to be threatened by this type of worker who is skilled at cooperative and non-confronting behaviors[i].

The serial bully’s techniques are fairly standard. They often target the most promising of the organization. Some people believe this is because they feel threatened by the talent of the other person or the fact that this individual may be well-liked in the eyes of fellow workers and bosses. I see serial bullies simply as sick people who need to be removed from the organization as quickly as possible.

The serial bully often begins their assault by trying to gain the confidence of the potential victim. This is often followed by a period of time in which the serial bully builds up the victim in the eyes of fellow employees and others. In this way, the serial bully has created an image that there is no way he or she would ever attack the victim. This image becomes extremely valuable if the targeted employee decides to fight back. The serial bully has now effectively created a destructive illusion that is difficult for observers to see through.

With the illusion in place, the serial bully is now free to begin their assault on the victim!

I find attacks usually begin with unjustified criticism of the targeted individual. The targeted person is usually confounded by the change in the supervisor. They often allow the behavior in the supervisor to go unchallenged as ‘the boss is just having a bad day‘. The targeted person doesn’t truly realize they are now under a full scale attack by the serial bully that will not stop until they resign, disappear into obscurity, or become dismissed from their position.

The serial bully unleashes a battery of attacks on the victim such as searching for trivial faults, embarrassing them in front of fellow employees, ignoring, over ruling, and even isolation of the victim. The serial bully often makes a point to treat the rest of the employees with little or no conflict as part of the illusion.

Does it end at this point? I have found most of the individuals whom we classify as our ‘best and brightest’ do not quit. They have never experienced anything like this in their careers, and most of the time, don’t know how to react. Instead, they continue in their positions and try to find a way to survive the bullying.

The next level of attacks by the serial bully is even harsher than the previous attacks. The bully unleashes the rest of their weapons upon the victim. This may include attacks on their character, the spreading of rumors and lies, unrealistic work assignments and goals, reprimands, and eventually dismissal.[ii]

In hard and difficult economic times, serial bullies find enjoyment in dismissing their target who will now find it difficult to be rehired.

The entire workplace must understand that bullying destroys the organization by causing undue stress and ineffectiveness. This will result in time lost through absenteeism and the quality of the work. The organization eventually will lose its ‘best and brightest’ workers and their intelligence.

Experts suggest that an organization with one or more bullies will experience a negative spiral in productivity and create a negative environment within the workplace – the antithesis of dignity, respect, and understanding.

[i] Bullying in the Workplace; Canada Safety Council:Canada’s Voice and Resource for Safety, 2000

[ii] Tactics of a Workplace Serial Bully Boss, ABC – Anti-Bullying Crusaders Weblog, April 6, 2008

Girl Bullies

by Mandy-Jane Clarke, Australia

Moreover, because girl bullies work in groups, they are naturally cheered on when abusing other girls.  This gives them the power to continue victimizing others.  In some cases, they utilize the group to increase their perceived power which results in after-school fights.  This brings up quite an interesting factor.  Girl bullies who engage in fighting are usually surrounded by other boy bullies and their friends.  Their presence seems to encourage the violence.

Girls who bully other girls do so at the drop of a hat.  If they notice a girl who is new to the school or seems a bit shy or wears different clothing, she will become a prime target.  So, too, will girls who are new to this country and wear their native dress, and who are unable to grasp the jargon used in every day school life.

Compared to boys, schoolgirl bullies are vicious in their bullying tactics as well as in their street fighting.  They show no remorse or concern, but dwell solely on gaining popularity among their peers.

Most girl bullies can be quickly singled out by the number of girls who accompany them.  In addition, their attitude, their similar style of dress and their language are clear indications that someone in this pack is a leader as well as a bully.  They have no respect for authority, and will use whatever means necessary to cover their acts by threatening those in their group to remain silent.

Another factor is that school girl bullies usually choose targets who seem to get along with teachers, who are studious, and who do not conform to the “gang-like” standards most girl bullies impose as leaders.  According to the statistics on school crime and safety, 26% of females have been involved in physical fights.  In addition, the Journal of the American Medical Association identifies schoolgirl bullies as “those who use verbal bullying and rumors to victimize other girls.”  It’s no wonder then, that 39% of middle school girls polled said they do not feel safe at school.

Incidents of girls who bully girls occur more frequently in sixth to eighth grade, and the girls usually live in urban areas.  Victims of school girl bullies attest to the fact that they are psychologically abused.

The bottom line is that for girl bullies, it is a learned behavior.  Evidence suggests that bullying begins at the tender age of two.  Schoolgirl bullies can cause extreme emotional anxiety to their victims.  It is, therefore, up to parents, teachers, administrators, guidance counselors and support staff to recognize the signs of bullying and deal with it immediately.

Poverty and Bullying (Part 1)

Understanding bullying is an incredibly complex issue. More and more people are realizing there are many components to this behavior which must be examined. As we clearly gain understanding of these components, our potential to solve the devastation of bullying are greatly enhanced.

But what if the behavior we are seeing is really symptomatic of a much larger problem?  We could find ourselves treating the symptom and not really getting to the root of the problem. It’s like giving someone Tylenol for the pain without ever examining them to understand the root cause of it.

This is exactly the role poverty may be playing in this discussion. Ruby Payne (1996), a leading expert in poverty, explains, language is not the predominant means of communication in poverty.  Being physically dominant is part of survival.  If you want or need something you need to take it, not as we often say in the middle class, “use your words”.  Being physically dominant is also equated to safety.  In the world of poverty, children pushing, shoving and grabbing is acceptable and necessary, but in most of our eyes it can earn you a consequence and even a label.

What do we do as we look at the role poverty may be playing in our issues of bullying? First, people must understand their own bias regarding who they perceive to be bullies and victims.  This includes an openness to examine bullying in relationship to poverty. It is during this examination that we may see poverty patterns beginning to emerge.

Second, as adults we need to help all of our children understand what rules apply where and how to behave appropriately in different situations.  For many of our children in poverty coming to school is very much like visiting a foreign country where all the accepted norms and customs of their worlds do not apply.

Let’s be clear, we are not telling people to ignore these behaviors. Instead, let’s understand where these behaviors may be coming from and apply effective intervention strategies on the behalf of these children. We must be constantly aware of the role poverty is playing in our lives and the lives of our children. This includes bullying! Let’s deal with the root and not the symptom.

 

October Stop-Bullies Newsletter

Stop-Bullies.com is pleased to announce our October contributing authors and articles. Our mission is to give every parent access to these wonderful experts in relationship to bullying through their schools and other organizations:

  1. Mandy-Jane Clarke – Is Your Child a Bully
  2. Olweus Program – Tip of the Month
  3. Alison Rhodes – 4 Conversations You Must Have With Your Tween
  4. Annie Fox – Bullying – Talk Is Cheap
  5. Barbara Colorosa -Bystanders
  6. Rosalind Wiseman – Cyberbullying
  7. Sue Scheff – Teen Suicide
  8. Bill Eddy – Bullies in the Workplace
  9. Sheri Riley – Have a Giving Heart and and Spirit

Bully Prevention Parent Newsletter

J Richard Knapp, CEO and Founder of Stop-Bullies.com

On June 8, 2012 the annual Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Report was released by the national government. The report is the result of most students surveyed across the United States on a variety of topics including bullying. Every one of us should be concerned by the results of this annual survey conducted each year which shows virtually no improvement from the year before. Simply put, how do you feel about 1 in 5 students were bullied last year in school? How do you feel about 1 in 6 students were cyber-bullied at school and rates were higher once they left school? How do you feel about 6 in 100 students missed school because they were afraid of being bullied? How about 1/3 of the students felt sad at school due to bullying of which 16% considered suicide, 12% made a plan, and 7.8% attempted it? This does not include the statistics of depression, arrests, alcoholism, and much more. How are our children supposed to learn under these conditions?

As a parent, grandparent, former school principal and Oregon leader in education for over three decades, I believe parents are being left out of the bully prevention loop when it comes to up-to-date bully prevention information and strategies. This is why I founded the Stop-Bullies Parent Newsletter. It is time to get our parents the information they deserve.  This is why our newsletter has been endorsed by state parent teacher associations, Sears Corporation ‘Team Up To Stop Bully’, parents, teachers, principals, superintendents, social workers, and so many more.

Imagine this – if a school only has 300 families and each one is provided access to the Bully Prevent Parent Newsletter – the cost per year for that family would be 83 cents… or 7 cents an issue (not including the webinars which makes it even cheaper). Every parent deserves access to the newsletter – they’re worth it!

Q&A: Stop-Bullies Parent Newsletter

Stop Bullies Founder and CEO

J Richard Knapp, CEO and Founder

Q: Tell me more about The Stop-Bullies Parent Newsletter.

A:  I began writing the very first Stop-Bullies Newsletter nearly six years ago. Approximately 250 people subscribed to it at that time and each issue was written by me. By today’s standards of our publications, I look back at those first issues and just shake my head in wonder of how far we have come.

Six years later the Stop-Bullies Newsletter is read by thousands of parents, educators, social workers, police, and more in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Tasmania, South Africa, Ireland, and the United Kingdom. Our articles are written by the leading authors from around the world.

Today’s articles in the newsletter are laser-focused for parents and branded in each school’s name. We must give our parents more information and better skills to work with. That is what Stop-Bullies.com is good at!

We have added a new component for parents this year. Subscribers will now be able to provide their parents with a series of webinars beginning in November. Our first webinar will focus on helping parents teach their children effective ‘Bystander’ skills. In the months to come, webinar topics will include ‘Body Imaging Concerns for Teens’, ‘Promoting Success in the Family’, and even more.

As an added bonus, each subscriber receives my presentation ‘A Cultural Change for Success’. This presentation for school staff members looks at six elements necessary in an organization in order to develop a foundation of success and the very concepts necessary in bully prevention.

I am totally convinced that every school should provide the Stop-Bullies Newsletter for their parents. With that in mind – we gladly offer a two issue money-back guarantee.

Do Our Children Report Bullying to Adults?

Stop-Bullies.com

In the United States there are approximately 55 million students attending public and private schools from pre-kindergarten to the twelfth grade. We know that about 1 in 5 students will be bullied at school this year which does not include those bullied outside of school. So let’s say this moves our statistics up to about a third of our kids being bullied. That is a tremendous number of bullying victims! Isn’t just one too many?

Now think about this… If ten students were physically injured by bullying, we can only expect six will report the incident. The statistics drop to five out of ten students in incidents of threats and destruction of property.

You may said, “Well, if I had seen it – I would have put a stop to it!” Not true! We as adults only see about 10% of the bullying happening around us.

Why is it that significant numbers of our bullied youth are not reporting the incidents? The reporting of bullying appears to be related to the level of seriousness of the act and the trust level between the victim and the adult. For example, if a student is injured by the bully the likelihood of the victim reporting the incident increases. This is also true of physical threats, destruction or stealing of property, and physical contact. Sadly, even these numbers are not good, but bullying which includes teasing, making fun of, name calling, exclusion/isolation, and rumors are even more likely to not be reported. There appears to be a belief in the victims that these types of bullying incidents are not acts of bullying or that adults will not view them as such.

This is why as adults it is absolutely critical that our children know they can trust us to help them with this problem. Second, we must open our eyes and recognize the signs around us when this behavior is occurring.

References: Bureau of Justice Statistics, Indicators of School Crime and Safety: 2010. National Center for Educational Statistics. 2010;  National Center for Education Evaluation and Regional Assistance, Institute of Education Sciences, Issues and Answers, REL 2010 – Number 092, What characteristics of bullying, bullying victims, and schools are associated with increased reporting of bullying to school officials?, Anthony Petrosino, Sarah Guckenburg, Jill DeVoe, Thomas Hanson, August 2010; Unnever, J. & Cornell, D. (2004). Middle school victims of bullying: Who reports being bullied? Aggressive Behavior, 30, 373-388.